Sweetness in Sickness (with the help of Skype)

This morning I woke up dreading the inevitable: the fact that I had most likely caught a cold. Now, something you might not know about me is that I hate getting sick. Hate it. (Although, I'm not sure anyone really loves it?) I will always try to deny that I've caught a cold until it's physically impossible to deny any longer. The coughing and sneezing usually gives it away eventually. Anyways, since I was feeling quite ill, I knew it would be a day of resting and staying home, alone. As nice as it was to rest and to enjoy the quiet of my apartment, I couldn't help but wish there was someone here with me, to take care of me, and even just to talk to me as I sniffled and coughed. Childish I know, but perhaps that desire is within each of us. The desire to be cared for in weakness, or sickness-even if it's just a silly cold. I was recalling sweet memories of what it was like taking "sick" days as a little girl. I always loved them, if I'm honest. Missing school, getting to stay home while my siblings went to school, watching TV, drinking sprite, and getting the whole treatment of Chicken noodle soup with saltine crackers. My mum always took good care of me when I was feeling poorly. Today however, I knew that those memories were simply memories, yet I secretly still longed for those things to happen. It's days like today when I realise just how much has truly changed in my family. It's disheartening really.

However, on a much more positive note...

Just as I was pondering these things and feeling a bit sad, a wonderful thing happened. Jamie got onto skype. Now, I know that sounds little and somewhat insignificant, but it truly changed my day completely. Why? Because although he was 6,000 miles away on a different continent, he was willing to do anything and everything he could to "be there" for me and to take care of me in my sickness. Of course he couldn't come over and make me soup, because physically, that would just be impossible. However, he loved me today in a special way. In thoughtfulness, he sat with me, told me things that he knew would make me smile, and more. Sometimes we didn't even have to speak at all. It was just knowing he was on the other end of the line, loving me and wanting to do whatever he could for me that meant so much. He made me laugh, and even cry with laughter at times. For 4 whole hours, Jamie proceeded to be with me, to comfort me, and love me. It was such a blessing and such a gift to feel so cared about. It didn't matter that there was an ocean in between. What mattered was his heart and his priorities. Even though he could of been doing so many other things, he chose to be on the computer, with me. He was there, with no agenda, and I knew could count on him. I could count on him staying with me and sitting there, even if I started to drift into sleep, or just didn't feel good, for as long as we both needed. There was nothing quite like it. I feel so blessed to be dating such a sweet and thoughtful man of God.

                                      Jamie,
Thanks so much for all you do for me and for your sweet and thoughtful heart. You bless me so much everyday and teach me all the more about love, and what God's grace really looks like. I am so thankful for you and respect you so much. Thanks for always loving me, caring for me, and making me smile...even on the "not so great" days. You are amazing. I'm excited to go through everything with you, even if it's hard. Love you forever and always, even on the "sick" days :) Always.

Yours forever,
Rachel
x

Me, Myself, (a Cuppa Tea) and Last Chance Harvey

So I just watched a film called Last Chance Harvey, and must say, I loved it. Throughout the whole film I was smiling, really enjoying it, and even sitting rather close to the computer (cheesy I know) to ensure I didn't miss anything. At some points I even got "that feeling". You know, that nervous/anxious/excited feeling inside (aka butterflies). Why? Not because of the story line itself. I mean, it was alright, but somewhat predictable. I loved it because it was filmed in England. Shocking I know. Ha. It was so fun to see so many familiar sights from London. I practically felt like I was there again, just walking around and taking it all in. Man, I haven't felt this close to England in a long time. I know it was just a film, but still. I needed it; it was quite comforting. It's amazing to think that Jamie and I have walked together in a lot of the same places as shown in the film. So cool. Makes me feel somewhat at home, just knowing that and getting to "see" those places again (even if it was through the eyes of Hollywood.) Drinking a cuppa tea now, as it just seems fitting, and dreaming about getting to stand in all those places again one day soon, with Jamie. Miss you, England. Can't wait to get back to you and to be in the arms of the man I love once again xxx

Remember, Remember the 5th of November

Well, today is fireworks night in England. I so wish I could be there to watch all the fireworks with Jamie! It's one of his favourite days of the year!

Man, I'd give anything to be walking around London right now, hand in hand with my British man, then watching the fireworks together. Really can't wait to be back in the same country as him, but trying to embrace all that God has for me here.

I'll be seeing you soon, Jamie. Happy Fireworks night! All my love from here, enjoy em' for me :) Love you x

Jamie and I watching the fireworks @ Jennycliff before I left for America, August 2010

Is it me or did the ocean just get wider?

Been missing Jamie a lot this week. To be honest, it's felt impossible at times. Food has lost its taste, days seem longer, and even the ocean feels like it's gotten wider. My head hurts from the tears. My heart hurts from the lack of him in my daily life. I could use a does of Jamie right about now!

For now though, we must persevere and hold on to the love that we know God has called us to. And more important than that, we must hold onto the Creator, Originator, and Ultimate Source of Love-Christ. I'm so thankful that God has not abandoned us or left us to fight alone. Without Christ, this relationship, this friendship, and this love truly would be impossible. Everything would be impossible. I find it amazing that even now, He is with us both, preparing us, teaching us, loving us, and comforting us across the distance. He is our source of joy and strength, not each other...although we do find that in each other. It is ultimately all from God. And I know that our God is good and He is faithful. His good and perfect plan for both of our lives and our life together WILL prevail in His perfect timing! Therefore, let the waiting and trusting, the good days and the hard days, the memories and the distance continue because it's all for God's glory in the first place. 

Oh man.  It will be such a joy and blessing to see Jamie again! To see him face to face, to hug him, and to know that he's okay. I can't wait. Ah. Even just thinking about it the flies are buttering around in my stomach...I mean...the butterflies are flying :) Can't wait for Christmas! Love you babe, I'll be seeing you soon!

P.s. I'm never letting go

Culture Shocked by my own Culture

I've been realising something lately, something that makes me feel uneasy, scared, and uncomfortable. I don't seem to fit in my own country anymore. I know I've changed and grown up, but it's strange not to fit where I "should" belong. My world view is different, my perspective on things is different, and even my sense of humour is "different". Now, I don't think it's that I've "outgrown" my country, cause that doesn't really seem possible. And, I will always love America and be thankful that I was born and raised here. But perhaps, just possibly America and it's consumer driven culture has maybe outgrown me, and therefore caused me or forced me to outgrow it?I do not know. In the past two years, whilst I've been away, life in America (as it should do) has continued on at a fast pace for all those who live in it. Slow doesn't seem to be in the vocabulary. Everyone is rushing here, or there, in order to make this or that happen. I'm sure that it was the same as I grew up here, but maybe I just never realised just how fast-paced, busy, and self-centered the American culture really is. It's been quite the culture shock to me, even in the midst of my own culture. The even stranger thing is, being a national in this country, everyone expects me to be of the same pace and mind. Now, if I had never known anything different, I wouldn't give this another thought. However, after living in England and experiencing different European cultures, I've realised that the world is bigger than just what I've known it to always be. America isn't the world, it is simply a small part of it with a relatively big land mass. I'm thankful to be American, but I'm also finding it hard to fit in to the American mold. I'm thankful for how God is opening my eyes to all that's around me, even though it's painful. I want to help this nation and am thankful God has me here for a reason. Maybe because God has given me this new perspective, He will allow me to speak into the lives and hearts of the people here, as I view them with different eyes, hopefully, His Heavenly eyes.

Happy October :)

Well, It's 2am (my time) and I can't sleep. I'm wide awake and excited about the fact that October is here, whilst remembering all that this past month has held. I can't believe September is over, but I praise God that it is now a new month. Yay! As selfish as it sounds, I needed a new month. A fresh month without all the left-over changes, difficulties, and vast array of emotions that came with September.

I'm excited for this new month and all it will hold.

However, despite how much September felt like the never-ending month of pain, "meh-ness", and confusion, I wouldn't ask God to take it back; nor would I want to act as though it didn't matter or never happened. I've learned a lot this past month. A LOT. And through it all--the tears, the laughter, the awkwardness of change...etc. God has been with me, loving me faithfully day-by-day. I think He's been molding me into more of a "trust-er". He's teaching me how to trust in Him as my Promiser, rather than as just the One who promises me. His provision has been incredible, even though at times I've doubted He'd come through. In this past month, God has provided a laptop, a bed, a pillow, more clothes, a guitar, a job, internet, and more. All of these things I thought I desperately “needed”, God provided. Not because He had to, but because He wanted to out of graciousness, kindness, and love towards me. I feel so humbled. His love has been greater than anyone or anything could possibly be, even though I've admittedly looked for love elsewhere. 

Who or what can compare to the greatness of our God? None. No being. No thing.

 Thankfully, even though the days, months, and seasons will undoubtedly change around us, God will not. No matter how difficult a month may be, God in his "God-ness" will remain solid and true. True to His Word and true to His people. His love will continually be freeing, real, and amazing. Even in the "September's" of our lives--no, especially in the "September's of our lives--I believe God gives us the unique opportunity and privilege to most visibly see His hand upon us--upholding us, protecting, and providing for us as His beloved children.

Take heart (and I will try to do the same!) in the fact that the seasons are changing (whether for the good or the bad), but God is unchanging! He does not just give us promises, He IS the promise. He is the Promiser and He will move. 


So Embrace October, but be thankful for September. Leave the doubt, leave the fear, leave the pain, but embrace the lessons, the life, and the love that God revealed to you and blessed you with this past month. He is so worthy of all; therefore, all is all we can give.

Happy October :)

Love,

Rachel

x

Missing my boyfriend a lot today...

"I'm only alive with you" -Jars of Clay

Do You Want the Good News or...the Bad News?

Well I've got some news. Some good news, and some bad/sad news. I never know which to give first. Being an optimist, I guess I prefer to start with the positive. So here it goes. 


The good news: No matter what--no matter how hard--no matter how frustrating--no matter WHAT--God is holding Jamie and I together in His hands right now, even though we're half way across the world from eachother.  And even though we've found communicating across the sea to be difficult with the crazy time difference and lack of resources, God has not forgotten about or failed either of us. He is watching over us both and providing for our needs...even though it feels like we may need or DO need...more. He has given us the privilege of talking on skype, as well as the joy of writing and receiving letters from one another. It's special. To be honest, we still have so much more contact with each other than other long-distance couples used to have in the "Olden Days". So for all of these things I am truly thankful and praise God for. 


The bad news (or sad news) is that...this heart ache feeling seems to increase with each day that goes by. The "missing" feeling doesn't leave. No, it lingers, and only builds and builds until it feels like my heart can't take much more of the pain....or much more of the longing. The longing to see him. The longing to hug him. The longing to just get to see him or sit next to him or hold his hand. The longing for the little things, yet the everything's as well. There is a constant sense of "longing". I'll admit. Today was a tough one. A really tough one. But, I'm taking comfort in the fact that, either good day or bad, God is the same on both sides of the ocean. He is good and He loves us and He has a beautiful plan for our lives. And besides, HE brought US together in the first place! 


This all leads to the question I'd like to leave you (and I) with. What if we longed for God in the same way, so much that our hearts hurt at the thought of being apart from Him, or not getting to spend time with Him? Man. I've been challenged by this idea a lot lately. I hope it'll challenge you as well. 


God, please help me trust you in all of this. I want to come out of these days of longing and distance, and these months of confusion and heartache loving You so much more. I desire to depend on You for everything I need (emotionally, physically, and spiritually) and for everything WE need. I want to trust You with it all. Please teach me to long for You more than I do, and to desire You and Your ways more than mine. You are so good, all the time. Thank you for Your grace, Your patience, and Your love towards me. And towards us. Thank you so much for Jamie and for blessing someone like me with someone like him. Please be with him today and surround us both in Your love and Your truth. In Your name I pray and ask these things.


Amen.

Missing England and the People it Holds

It's been a tough week. I'm missing England terribly and all the precious people it holds. I miss my boyfriend more than words and long to see my dear friends again. I know I'll get to see them again, but right now what will happen "eventually" sounds as though it's years away. I'm trying to keep my head up. To stay postive. And to trust Jesus with unswerving faith. It's hard, but easy. Hard because everything seems to be too complicated, upsetting, and painful. Easy because God is here and my prayers are reaching Him. Isn't it amazing we have a God that loves us enough to stay? Friends come and go, through the good and the ugly, but God wants in all the time. He wants to be our Comforter, Friend, and compassionate and gentle Father. It's encouraging to know that my Saviour welcomes my tears, wipes them away as they fall, and won't mind in the slightest if my mascara stains His sleeve :) God is amazing.

I must admit, I'm finding it harder to trust God with others, than with myself. I don't seem to have a problem putting my personal life into His hands: my time, money (or lack of), my insecurities, my fears, and my heart into His hands. In fact, I'd rather all of these things be left in His hands anyways; I don't want them. However, when it comes to my boyfriend and friends in England, the thought of having to entrust them into God's hands scares me incredibly. I wish it didn't, but it totally does. The fact that I can't see them, help them, hug them, and even skype with them makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and uneasy. Here I am thinking that I'm doing ok trusting God with some aspects of my heart/life, only to find that really I can't trust Him at all with the others. It's a humbling, frustrating, and painful process. I'm learning, but find myself wishing this lesson could speed itself up and be over and done with.

I know God is faithful. I know He will protect, love, hold, encourage, and guide my wonderful boyfriend and close friends. I know that He is the Creator of these 2 countries, and the ocean in between. I know He is bigger and so much more trustworthy than myself and all others. I know He is good and that He will never fail me, nor those that I love. He is good, constant, and gracious on a continual and consistent basis. I know all of this and I truly do belive it, whole-heartedly. However, across the miles, I'm finding it a lot harder to hold onto these truths and to want to believe them. If I'm being totally honest,  It feels easier to forget the truths of God's Word right now. Why? Because it's more painful to trust God and leave my world in His hands, then it is to try and ignore the reality of my heart, mind, and life. I know this is brutally honest, but I need it to be. I need to be accountable in this. Because although it's painful, I wouldn't prefer the easier route. I want to have to work through this and to come out the other side of this confusing season trusting God more, loving His Word, holding fast to His promises, and with a deeper and more passionate and consistent love for Him. A love that doesn't waver, shake, or crumble in the face of fear or painful circumstances.

So, in all of this, I must say again. God is faithful and He will not let me fall. Nor my boyfriend, my friends, nor the rest of my world, because all is safe in the palm of HIS hands. They must be pretty big hands to hold all that I've put in them :) But oh man, I'm SO thankful for the loving touch of our Saviour today. Praise God.

Praying that His hands will comfort and sustain your heart today wherever you might be and in whatever circumstance you might be finding yourself in.

Theme Song to...My Life?

Since recently moving back from England,  emotions have sure been flying high! So many changes have happened all at once, and I've been in a constant state of "feeling overwhelmed". To be honest, I haven't even been able to understand myself since arriving back in the US- physically, emotionally, spiritually I've been all over the map, even literally. Ha. It's been the strangest thing. Since I got back, everything has felt so new and so...well, foreign to me. Many times I've felt like I'm a stranger to this country, to  these people, and yes even to friends, family, and myself. Despite my innability to find the right words, comparison's, or emotions to accuratel express or even understand what I'm feeling,  someone else has already managed to put all of my thoughts, fears, and emotions to music. Isn't God amazing? I praise Him for this gifted singer/songriter, Sara. He has used this "stranger" to bless, encourage, and comfort me so much since first hearing her song only just shortly after I moved back. Through God's Spirit within Sara and this song He's led her to write, I now feel that I have a song to sing once again. A song that I can sing and mean with my whole heart. Every word of it.

I have a feeling these lyrics are going to mean a lot to me over this next season of my life in America, so it seemed fitting to begin the blog with this video/song/post.

So thankful God is with me right now. He is the only One I'll truly always belong with.