Desires, Dreams, and the Faithfulness of God

Psalm 37:3-9
"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD; and HE will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in HIM, and HE will do it. HE will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your judgment as the noonday. Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for HIM; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger and forsake wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land." 


Lately I can't seem to get this passage out of my heart; it has always been one of my favourites. God has brought these few verses to mind again and again. It's no surprise really because they are quite fitting for where God has me right now--especially in all that He is teaching me and revealing to me.

You see, the last 6 years of my life have been full of what some might call well, "challenging" circumstances. The seasons have varied; I've (admittedly) been all over the map.  I've experienced a lot of life changes and a lot of things I thought I'd most likely never face, let alone struggle with for years to come. I've experienced: abandonment, the divorce of my parents, loss of my grandpa, the diagnosis of severe cancer in a close relative, attempted suicide (yes me), quite severe physical injuries, depression, anxiety, insomnia, moving to a foreign country, doing missionary work at age 18, getting swine flu, struggling with loneliness, inadequacies, and more. I'm really just a broken shell of a girl.

Please hear me, or read me right. I really don't want to "puff myself up". I just feel that these things all bring God glory because of the goodness He's shown towards me in all the different seasons. Through it all, God in His graciousness has continually blessed me and clothed me in His strength. He has filled me with His joy and covered me with grace, time after time. I feel like I can echo the apostle Paul in saying, I've learned the secret of being content, in all (or most) circumstances.

 I'm not going to lie, the road has not been easy; I will not pretend as though it has. All of these things have been more than difficult and my natural response hasn't always been one of praise or adoration, it's been quite the opposite. The majority of the time, it is hard to see the Saviour in the midst of the storm; I think most of us get that. However, He is there and His arms are open and He is in no way limited to our "storms"; after all, isn't it God who creates the thunder and the lightening?  In times of calamity, He is still God and He is still good. In times of rejoicing, He is still God, and therefore, He is still good. He is not shaken as we are. He is the only source of true stability, He is our rock.

If I was asked to describe these past couple years of my life in one word, I would use both an adjective and a verb: "Waiting". It describes both how I've been and how I've had to choose to be. The idea of waiting is a tricky one. It really doesn't matter what you're waiting for, it's usually uncomfortable. Whether it's an upcoming test, an exciting event, or waiting for God's direction, it leaves one feeling uneasy, unstable, and unsure. Waiting requires not only patience, but trust. Trust in the unchanging Character of someone else-- God. And not only trusting God, but trusting in His plan and it being a good plan.  From what I've observed and heard, no one really seems to enjoy waiting (although it does get easier the more you learn how to trust God with it, or so I've found). As humans, we enjoy having a plan; we enjoy having the answers. If there are no answers, then we create our own for our own peace of mind. It may sound silly, but it is true. We come up with possibilities that will temporarily comfort ourselves, convincing ourself that we have plan A, B, and C...and even if those don't work out, well hey, there are still 23 remaining letters in the alphabet left for our disposable plan making, right? Wrong. Our minds our finite, unlike God's. He sees the whole picture and knows what is going to happen. We have no need to fear, yet I would argue, we fear the thought of not fearing..because that is where we are truthfully more comfortable.

For the past 2 and a half years this whole "waiting and trusting God faithfully in the process" thing has been a real struggle for me. In a sense it's been easy because it's God and I want to be obedient to Him and therefore, my answer is yes. However, in the flesh, it hasn't been so simple.

 My fiance Jamie and I have been waiting to simply "be together" from the very beginning. When we first met we were not allowed to date, and lived 2 hours a part. Year number 2, we were allowed to date but still lived 2 hours apart and saw each other once a month, if even that. Any time we were given was always a special blessing. And here we are now in 2011, heading into year number 3 of being in a friendship/relationship together: we are now engaged, yet living oceans a part. It doesn't seem to add up, does it? We have been waiting for God's timing since the very first month of knowing each other. It has been a confusing, painful, exciting, difficult, yet also an easy, fun, incredible, and wonderful relationship. We truly love each other, but we love God more; as a result, this hasn't been and still isn't about just us, our love, or our timing.

Here I sit i America at 2:30am writing this blog, unable to sleep. Why? Well because after 11 months of waiting and wondering about Jamie and I, our future together, why God called me back to America in the first place...etc., we now finally have some answers. God's greater plan is being revealed and it is an exciting time, to say the least. God has begun to open our eyes to the open doors around us; doors that He's been preparing us to walk through for a while now...since before we were born, let alone had even met.  It's like He has finally given us a ring of kyes with permission to see into the things of His heart and the greatness He has planned for us as individuals, as well as a couple. It's honestly felt like a glimpse into heaven. A beautiful glimpse of amazing blessings that He is pouring out upon us both, simply because He loves us and wants to bless us as we strive to seek Him and serve Him faithfully and obediently. Wow. Humbling is one word for it, but it doesn't feel adequate enough to describe how deep the Father's love is...for Jamie and I. The Father has seen us waiting; He has helped us through. He has kept us close to Him; He has watched the tears fall and the many good byes said. None of this was in vain, though it often felt that way--HIS timing is coming and He's leading the way!

I am delighted to share that in the last month everything has all of a sudden, by the grace of God, fallen into place! And oh how the glory and goodness of God is shining brightly all around; I'm truly in awe. As David says int he Psalms, "the lines have fallen in pleasant places for me." Within just two weeks, God has provided for things beyond my wildest imagination, after months of silence and wondering if He was still there, listening and watching over us. What has He provided? Well really, He has provided and granted the deepest, most genuine desires/longings of my heart.

He has blessed me with a way back to England--the country I've grown to love so deeply and passionately! He's provided a way for me to be re-united with Jamie and to eventually marry him! He has provided a dream position in a new church, in 'my' beloved city of Plymouth (where I formerly was based). He has provided a return plane ticket for me to fly to and from England, at no personal cost.  AND, as of just yesterday, He has provided a place for me (out of 25 available positions) on a youth ministry course at an English University, which will now enable me to get a student visa and officially return to the UK in due time!!

How good is our God?! Wow! I feel so honoured, blessed, and loved. For the first time, I can truly say that God is bringing me into a season of blessing and abundance. The suffering has lifted, the load has lightened; yes the road will be rocky and remain tough I'm sure, but for now, it is easy and God's burden is light as His Word promises! Who am I, that He would choose to bless me so? And who am I that He would grant me the desires of my heart, to be back in England, serving Him, with the man I love, preparing to get married, working my dream "job" in ministry, and studying on a fully paid course!?!

Wow, wow, wow! God is Awesome. Truly Awesome. I could go on and on.

Great is Thy faithfulness, LORD, unto ME!

Thank You!