So...What keeps us going?

People have mentioned lately that they don't know how they'd handle being in a long distance relationship. Many say they think it would be impossible and they just couldn't do it. Others say it's just too complicated to begin with and don't even want to get their hands wet. I guess it's one of those things that until you're in it, it seems out of the ordinary, strange, and undesirable. Why would anyone put themself through such pain, agony, and frustration? 

Although at times distance can in fact seem impossible and challenging, Jamie and I know that there is a God much bigger holding everything together across the miles. He is holding us together and strengthening our love day by day. He is gracious towards us in the ups and the downs and teaches us so much through each obstacle, skype call, and emotion. He is providing for our needs in ways we never expected or dreamed. This long distance love has forced us to rely upon Him for everything, rather than ourselves. We can't even plan a wedding date without God's intricate help with the 2 countries, governments, and unending paperwork. It's all just "not do-able" without Him. We've had no option other than to trust Him with our hearts and the future ahead. It's not been an easy road, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's been a beautiful road with painful jolts and unexpected road works, yet a road full of abundant joy and great blessing. 

Therefore, although the ocean is massive, communication is limited, and physical time together is non-existent...we do not lose heart. We do not give up. God is our hope and He is our reason for carrying on. We are in this relationship because we love each other, but far more because we love God and want to honour Him, bringing glory to Him as we strive to love each other in the same way Christ has loved us. 

I admit on the difficult days,  I have to remind myself of these things...once, twice, or 27 times. It's easy to lose sight of Christ and His blessings and provision in all of it when you're consumed with your circumstances, well-being, and feelings. Chances are, if you're basing your life off of these, they are going to leave you feeling like an unsatisfied, empty, cheated victim most of the time. To be honest, it is generally on the mornings when I hardly know what to do or how to be, that God reminds me just who HE is. He is a consistent, loving, and unchanging gracious God who sees and hears His children.  He is a God who is in control and His perfect plan is already in effect. 

My only response to those of you who wonder or question "why we do this" or "how we keep on going" is this: it is a question to your question.

How much more of a testimony will it be if after 1 year of "waiting to date", 2 years (including the 1st one) of long distance, followed by another year of longer long distance 2 continents apart...how much more of a testimony of God's faithfulness, goodness, and provision will it be when we stand up before God and our friends and family to be married, knowing that we withstood the test and remained faithful as best we could? Knowing that we persevered under trial by the strength of God. Knowing that we persevered in the face of fear, over the miles, under the expectations and assumptions from the world telling us that we probably wouldn't make it? 

I believe it will be a beautiful day and I pray that everything about our wedding day screams God's glory!! I pray that it screams, "GOD IS GOOD and THIS IS ALL FOR HIM!"

What a gift it is to be able to worship Him in this way, even in the pain, yearning, and waiting. What a joy it is to praise Jesus in the midst. 

Perfection.

Standing in my favourite place in the world with my favourite man in the world.

Loving a Person is No Small Thing...

Being in a long-distance relationship with the man I love isn't easy. I know on the outside it may appear to be, and sometimes it really is quite do-able, but the truth stands: it's challenging, tiresome, mentally exhausting, and more. Yet, at the end of each day, somehow this love is a beautiful gift, joy, and blessing--it is completely worth it. He is completely worth it; there is no doubt in my mind of that. There is nothing like this love, apart from Christ, it is unbeatable. I admit, I've learned to shrug off my emotions and the missing I feel, putting on a smile as though I'm not aching inside. I think I've began to do this subconsciously, because the missing goes so deep--it's inexplainable. I don't want to bore people or consume them with my situation, so I tend to stay quiet, keeping to myself. Deep down, however, my heart is hurting beyond words can say. Each day is a fight; it's a real test of faith, trust, and our love for God and each other. Commitment, and the need for it, is an understatement. Each day we have to make a choice to honour God and each other--we must commit to encouraging and supporting one another across 6,000 miles, with limited resources. When we Skype, portraying our love and respect for each other is vital. Every minute, every call. I need to be the best that I can be for Jamie from the moment we say hello to the moment we say good bye. Why? Because it's all we have. Those minutes we get to spend "together" are precious.


Unfortunately, words can either be harmful or helpful; life-giving or detrimental. Loving God and loving someone out of that love is a choice. It is up to me whether I am going to listen to Jamie's stories, struggles, needs, wants, and feelings; will I cut him off before he can share? Will I talk about my day, my fears, my anxieties about the future, or put him before me and honour him in that way? Of course all these things/emotions/struggles are important and need to be talked about, and we do talk about them. However, we have to be so careful in our words, expressions, and responses to one another because our words are all we have to give right now. God has blessed us with this love, but we are in a world that is trying to pull us a part. We live in a society where the divorce rate is rising higher and higher-- in both Christian/non-Christian couples alike. We are subject to a fallen world full of darkness and the lies, temptations, and flying arrows from the evil one. This love-our love-is not going to stand, unless Christ is truly the center. We will fall without Him, just like so many other couples tragically fall. We are no better, or any less subject to failing; we are human. Thankfully, Christ is fighting for us and with us; He is victorious, and therefore, our victory is found in Him daily. With that said though, I do believe we have a responsibility to God and each other to protect this love and relationship with all we are-in every way we can, from this day forward, for the rest of our lives.

(Why do you think vows are said at a wedding? If they were meaningless, surely the idea of saying them before God and others would have never become a world-wide tradition?)

 Skype dates are the most romantic and most realistic times we get to share together. They are truly all we have a part from writing letters and trying to come up with unique ways to bless each other.

 No matter how optimistic we might seem, or how positive our Facebook statuses might be--the whole not seeing each other thing gets old. There are many days when I just long to see him so that I will be reminded that this is all for real. Our love, our engagement, our future. It's all real. I know that it is, of course, and I'm beyond thrilled. However, there are just some days that I'm reminded of all the little things missing. I recall inside jokes, then turn to tell Jamie, only realising he's not here and no one else will get it. I get butterflies just thinking about Jamie spontaneously grabbing my hand, simply because he wants to hold it. It hasn't happened in so long, due to the ocean inbetween. I know gestures as small as this might seem silly, but oh how easy they are to take for granted, until suddenly the opportunities and privileges are gone. Saying good bye on skype these days is getting harder; it feels almost unbearable. The days are seeming longer, the distance further.  Simply put, my life just doesn't feel right without Jamie in it.

If you're reading this, I apologise for the venting; it feels good to write it though. It feels good to be genuinely honest and to remind the world of our humanness and fraility. This is a struggle, yet it is a testimony! God is faithful and His faithfulness and unchanging character is OUR hope!

If you see anything good, inspiring, or desirable in Jamie's and my relationship then Praise the Lord! It is from Him! This is not us. In fact, we are the hazardous human ones in this relationship; God is the one who is unchanging, perfect, gracious, understanding, and forgiving. We get things wrong. We say things we regret. We cry. We laugh. We are real. But anything more than that, is solely God's Spirit within us--strengthening, empowering, and encouraging us to keep going.

I'm so thankful for this love; I praise God for Jamie countless times a day. He is truly perfect for me, in every way. He inspires me, challenges me, moves me, loves me, teaches me, encourages me, sees me, and so much more! He makes me want to be better, greater, and more passionate about everything. He moves me to become more like Jesus. He does all of these things more than anyone else I know--and that I find amazing. I mean that. He brings out the best in me, as well as the worst--the sides of myself I didn't even know existed.  I feel completely humbled to have the honour, joy, and privilege of getting to marry this incredible man of God someday (soon!).

Wow. Thank you Lord for all of Your blessings and for Your  goodness towards Jamie and I. We will forever praise You and tell of Your greatness. Thank you for all the Skype dates, for all of the laughs, for all of the lessons you are teaching us in this season of separation and waiting. You are good and faithful, always! We are yours for the molding. May all the glory be Yours, Jesus. Now and forevermore.

Desires, Dreams, and the Faithfulness of God

Psalm 37:3-9
"Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD; and HE will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in HIM, and HE will do it. HE will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your judgment as the noonday. Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for HIM; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. Cease from anger and forsake wrath; do not fret; it leads only to evildoing. For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD, they will inherit the land." 


Lately I can't seem to get this passage out of my heart; it has always been one of my favourites. God has brought these few verses to mind again and again. It's no surprise really because they are quite fitting for where God has me right now--especially in all that He is teaching me and revealing to me.

You see, the last 6 years of my life have been full of what some might call well, "challenging" circumstances. The seasons have varied; I've (admittedly) been all over the map.  I've experienced a lot of life changes and a lot of things I thought I'd most likely never face, let alone struggle with for years to come. I've experienced: abandonment, the divorce of my parents, loss of my grandpa, the diagnosis of severe cancer in a close relative, attempted suicide (yes me), quite severe physical injuries, depression, anxiety, insomnia, moving to a foreign country, doing missionary work at age 18, getting swine flu, struggling with loneliness, inadequacies, and more. I'm really just a broken shell of a girl.

Please hear me, or read me right. I really don't want to "puff myself up". I just feel that these things all bring God glory because of the goodness He's shown towards me in all the different seasons. Through it all, God in His graciousness has continually blessed me and clothed me in His strength. He has filled me with His joy and covered me with grace, time after time. I feel like I can echo the apostle Paul in saying, I've learned the secret of being content, in all (or most) circumstances.

 I'm not going to lie, the road has not been easy; I will not pretend as though it has. All of these things have been more than difficult and my natural response hasn't always been one of praise or adoration, it's been quite the opposite. The majority of the time, it is hard to see the Saviour in the midst of the storm; I think most of us get that. However, He is there and His arms are open and He is in no way limited to our "storms"; after all, isn't it God who creates the thunder and the lightening?  In times of calamity, He is still God and He is still good. In times of rejoicing, He is still God, and therefore, He is still good. He is not shaken as we are. He is the only source of true stability, He is our rock.

If I was asked to describe these past couple years of my life in one word, I would use both an adjective and a verb: "Waiting". It describes both how I've been and how I've had to choose to be. The idea of waiting is a tricky one. It really doesn't matter what you're waiting for, it's usually uncomfortable. Whether it's an upcoming test, an exciting event, or waiting for God's direction, it leaves one feeling uneasy, unstable, and unsure. Waiting requires not only patience, but trust. Trust in the unchanging Character of someone else-- God. And not only trusting God, but trusting in His plan and it being a good plan.  From what I've observed and heard, no one really seems to enjoy waiting (although it does get easier the more you learn how to trust God with it, or so I've found). As humans, we enjoy having a plan; we enjoy having the answers. If there are no answers, then we create our own for our own peace of mind. It may sound silly, but it is true. We come up with possibilities that will temporarily comfort ourselves, convincing ourself that we have plan A, B, and C...and even if those don't work out, well hey, there are still 23 remaining letters in the alphabet left for our disposable plan making, right? Wrong. Our minds our finite, unlike God's. He sees the whole picture and knows what is going to happen. We have no need to fear, yet I would argue, we fear the thought of not fearing..because that is where we are truthfully more comfortable.

For the past 2 and a half years this whole "waiting and trusting God faithfully in the process" thing has been a real struggle for me. In a sense it's been easy because it's God and I want to be obedient to Him and therefore, my answer is yes. However, in the flesh, it hasn't been so simple.

 My fiance Jamie and I have been waiting to simply "be together" from the very beginning. When we first met we were not allowed to date, and lived 2 hours a part. Year number 2, we were allowed to date but still lived 2 hours apart and saw each other once a month, if even that. Any time we were given was always a special blessing. And here we are now in 2011, heading into year number 3 of being in a friendship/relationship together: we are now engaged, yet living oceans a part. It doesn't seem to add up, does it? We have been waiting for God's timing since the very first month of knowing each other. It has been a confusing, painful, exciting, difficult, yet also an easy, fun, incredible, and wonderful relationship. We truly love each other, but we love God more; as a result, this hasn't been and still isn't about just us, our love, or our timing.

Here I sit i America at 2:30am writing this blog, unable to sleep. Why? Well because after 11 months of waiting and wondering about Jamie and I, our future together, why God called me back to America in the first place...etc., we now finally have some answers. God's greater plan is being revealed and it is an exciting time, to say the least. God has begun to open our eyes to the open doors around us; doors that He's been preparing us to walk through for a while now...since before we were born, let alone had even met.  It's like He has finally given us a ring of kyes with permission to see into the things of His heart and the greatness He has planned for us as individuals, as well as a couple. It's honestly felt like a glimpse into heaven. A beautiful glimpse of amazing blessings that He is pouring out upon us both, simply because He loves us and wants to bless us as we strive to seek Him and serve Him faithfully and obediently. Wow. Humbling is one word for it, but it doesn't feel adequate enough to describe how deep the Father's love is...for Jamie and I. The Father has seen us waiting; He has helped us through. He has kept us close to Him; He has watched the tears fall and the many good byes said. None of this was in vain, though it often felt that way--HIS timing is coming and He's leading the way!

I am delighted to share that in the last month everything has all of a sudden, by the grace of God, fallen into place! And oh how the glory and goodness of God is shining brightly all around; I'm truly in awe. As David says int he Psalms, "the lines have fallen in pleasant places for me." Within just two weeks, God has provided for things beyond my wildest imagination, after months of silence and wondering if He was still there, listening and watching over us. What has He provided? Well really, He has provided and granted the deepest, most genuine desires/longings of my heart.

He has blessed me with a way back to England--the country I've grown to love so deeply and passionately! He's provided a way for me to be re-united with Jamie and to eventually marry him! He has provided a dream position in a new church, in 'my' beloved city of Plymouth (where I formerly was based). He has provided a return plane ticket for me to fly to and from England, at no personal cost.  AND, as of just yesterday, He has provided a place for me (out of 25 available positions) on a youth ministry course at an English University, which will now enable me to get a student visa and officially return to the UK in due time!!

How good is our God?! Wow! I feel so honoured, blessed, and loved. For the first time, I can truly say that God is bringing me into a season of blessing and abundance. The suffering has lifted, the load has lightened; yes the road will be rocky and remain tough I'm sure, but for now, it is easy and God's burden is light as His Word promises! Who am I, that He would choose to bless me so? And who am I that He would grant me the desires of my heart, to be back in England, serving Him, with the man I love, preparing to get married, working my dream "job" in ministry, and studying on a fully paid course!?!

Wow, wow, wow! God is Awesome. Truly Awesome. I could go on and on.

Great is Thy faithfulness, LORD, unto ME!

Thank You!

Dear Little England...

I was just browsing through some photos from my time in England and must admit, tears filled my eyes. I so long to be back and to see everyone, it's hard to even describe the different emotions. What a beautiful little country full of such wonderful places, people, and priceless memories. I truly cannot wait to return! :) Ahhh! God is so faithful. So excited!

Here are a few photos from my time down in Padstow, Cornwall with my dear friends Sarah and Emma. We had a wonderful short holiday together and enjoyed beautiful weather, fellowship, fish and chips, cups of tea, laughter, and so much more. Feeling so blessed just remembering the fun we had!